The short answer is…it depends.
I'm going to throw a lot of possibilities out here and some may land with you while others may not.
Infidelity exists on a spectrum of possibilities. Some cheat for the thrill of it, some for the escape, some for the self-validation, and others have no idea and simply act in the moment without a lot of thought or self-awareness.
Each situation is different. Your potential to survive as a couple depends on why it happened, how it happened and who you are as individuals and as partners.
Some relationships need to end but there are others that can continue (with some work).
No betrayal looks the same! There is a big difference between a partner that has an ongoing double life (or triple, quadruple or more) versus a partner who has a brief or one-time hook up with someone when they are in the wrong place at the right time. It’s also very different when the cheating partner is avoidantly navigating multiple storylines than it is when they are intentionally gaslighting their committed partner to avoid personal accountability.
Some thing to consider:
One of the hardest things to wrap your head around, if you are the one who has been betrayed, is that your partner could hold two conflicting storylines at the same time. You may wonder: How can they say they love me but also have a connection with someone else? Or how could they do this to me and also say they value our relationship? It's hard to reconcile these things. (And sometimes for good reason.) But it is possible. We are all multiple in our intentions, beliefs and emotions. We can feel more than one way at the same time, and sometimes the part of someone that cheated is not the part that is in the committed relationship. This is not an excuse but rather a trailhead to explore.
Infidelity may have very little to do with sex (even when sex is involved).
In my practice I work primarily with trauma. I often see infidelity connected with early childhood wounds. And again, the connection and motivations vary. The person may be an avoidant type acting on deeply seeded hurts with little awareness that their early wounds are connected. I also see people who reach for something familiar or comforting during a time of high stress (e.g. a mistress that feels like mom).
It can come down to intent and character. Are you stepping out because it’s fun and you get a kick out of the secrecy? Or are you cheating as a means of coping with stress that has nothing to do with your committed relationship? These are very different things. These are also only two things – the truth is there are many “reasons” why a person cheats. And yet we often see infidelity reflected in binary ways where the cheater is a villain, and their partner is a victim. This two-dimensional way of looking at betrayal applies a broad stroke across a complex situation.
Consider this: as humans we are so many things all at once. We are more than merely "good" or "bad" people. We are also complex beings with personal histories and (often) legacy wounds and burdens.
Popular culture tends to celebrate the idea (and often confabulation) that your partner is a wholly bad person if they cheat, and that you were always going to leave if your partner cheated. But whose values are these – yours or your social world’s? The cheating we see in North American tv, movies and social media is heavily focussed on being bad and being wronged. There is also a lot of pressure to reject your partner who has cheated, and this is characterized as empowering. This can come from media or your own social circle. Sometimes this may in fact fit, but often it just doesn’t. And when you have just had your world shift on its access it can be hard to find your own truth amidst all the noise.
But what if this isn’t what your relationship is about. What if this isn’t what each of you is about? You are in the best position to know if your relationship can continue or not.
To continue though, there is work to do. There is typically only so far you can go with just the two of you talking things through. You may also find that you are turning to the person you always turn to for support. But this isn’t working now because they are the person that you are in conflict with. What now? A couples therapist can support this work so that you can focus on your own point of view without having to play therapist to yourself.
What does it take to trust again? I often tell my clients…promises are not enough. The cheating partner must be able to demonstrate that they have insight. This means they understand what happened, how they impacted their partner and why they did it. Without this their partner may not feel safe nor confident that this won’t happen again.
While it’s easy to see infidelity as just about betrayal and dishonesty, I view it as a window into the deeper complexities of individuals and their inner world, as well as relationships and the boundaries they set. No matter where you are in your relationship I encourage you to start these important conversations with yourself and with your partner.
An affair, like any major life crisis, has a way of bringing important issues to the surface. It often pushes couples to finally talk about things they’ve been avoiding for years – unmet needs, deep desires, frustrations, loneliness, childhood wounds, and possibly trauma. In retrospect many people wish they had these conversations with their partner (and themselves) much sooner.
These conversations may reveal that the connection is flawed, and that the relationship is over. It may also provide an opening to a more informed and expansive type of love.
This type of a rupture in a relationship can inspire incredible individual work. It can act as a catalyst for a deeper sense of knowing and understanding within one’s own system…providing answers to the why’s of one’s own motivations, character and ways of coping.
There is a lot of shame to move through in infidelity, especially when a couple stays together. There is the shame for cheating on one’s partner, and the shame for standing by one’s partner despite the cheating. But what if there is also a path to self-acceptance and a deeper, more meaningful partnership?
You may be surprised by what is possible! I have seen couples decide to split and couples who dug in deeper and turned an infidelity into an opportunity. I have also seen those who were cheated on appreciating their partner like never before. Many of the clients I have worked with have tremendous self-awareness and this has become an exercise in both self-work and relationship work.
If you are looking for support as an individual or couple, Making Space Psychotherapy can help. We specialize in trauma and relationships. Infidelity is about both!
Jenni Shea, Registered Psychotherapist
Attachment Focused EMDR - Level 3 AF-EMDR Therapist
Internal Family Systems - Level 2 IFS Therapist
Complex Trauma Specialist